Claire (checkeredfairie) wrote,
Claire
checkeredfairie

  • Mood:

>Keep reading.  They're all worth it.
>
>
>I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
>of natural causes.
>
>Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are  removing a
>weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes  out of the
>ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
>
>The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
>replacement.
>
>Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
>
>There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
>
>Life is sexually transmitted.
>
>Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
>
>The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>
>Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you  still
>can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
>
>Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying  of
>nothing.
>
>Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
>about seeing UFOs like they used to?
>
>Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
>
>All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
>criticism.
>
>In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
>weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>
>Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
>realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
>
>How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a  whole
>box to start a campfire?
>
>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
>these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
>
>Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
>next thing that comes outta it's butt."
>
>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
>
>Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
>Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
>going to look up there anyway?
>
>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both
>dogs!
>
>If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
>just buy dinner?
>
>If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>then what is baby oil made from?
>
>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
>
>Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
>tune?
>
>Stop singing and read on.........
>
>Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
>but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
>
>Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
>
>Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
>
>Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first  place?
>
>YOU DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU'VE GROWN OLD.
>
>YOU GROW OLD BECAUSE YOU STOP LAUGHING
>
>NEVER BE THE FIRST TO GROW OLD
>
>LAUGHTER IS THE SUN THAT DRIVES THE WINTER FROM THE HUMAN FACE
>
>
>

Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 2 comments